1. Manhattanites used to wake every morning to Elaine Stritch hanging from the tip of the Empire State Building yelling “RISE!” into a mega phone.
2. Saks Fifth Avenue will have to make up for the dramatic drop in sales of gaudy fur coats.
3. Gone is the irony of Elaine going out to lunch in the city. Ladies Who Lunch
4. Paul McCartney will be stepping in to play all the old bitter brassy lady roles on Broadway.
5. The Carlyle will have to cancel their hushed black market attraction where guests rent out a suite to hear a “very loud and angry mountain cat give birth to a blue whale,” when, in reality, it’s just Elaine in the next room trying to open one of those individual butter packets with out getting her fingers greasy.
6. Once a year, Elaine would fall off the wagon, climb to the top of the tallest tree in Central Park, drop trou, pass wind and scream “How ‘bout THAT for hot air, Merman?!’
7. Elaine was one of 3 people left in Musical Theatre who could actually act. Now there is only two: Mandy Patinkin and Aaron Carter (JK- Mandy is Trash with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for Purse.)
8. Elaine spent many of her early years pounding the pavement for a Broadway job. Literally. This shook the city dust off the power lines in midtown, allowing many pigeons to gather and sit atop them comfortably. Now, NYC will have to deal with hundreds of pigeons falling from the slippery, dusty wires to their death.
9. The pigeons were so grateful to Elaine; they would follow her everywhere. This drove her insane, so to seek revenge, Elaine joined an underground cock fighting league. Now, The Carlyle Cockers will have to find another fighter for Wednesday Hen’s Day nights.
10. Her ongoing feud with the Statue of Liberty over who is the “New York-iest” or “who’s had more men inside her” will finally come to an end without resolve.
11. The absence of Stritch’s amazingly ageless and constantly pant-less legs has sent flocks of construction workers into rehab facilities all over the city with symptoms of severe withdrawal.
12. New Yorkers will grind their teeth as they suffer through Patti LuPone honking ”Ladies Who Lunch” at all upcoming Sondheim tribute concerts.
13. Alec Baldwin has not only lost his TV mama in Stritch’s searing performance as Jack Donaghy’s mother Colleen on 30 Rock, but also a swapping buddy. Stritch borrowed Alec’s dress shirts and cufflinks, Alec borrowed Stritch’s haircut.
14. All of the homeless that found shelter in the cavernous wrinkles in Elaine’s neck will have to squat in new quarters.
15. She’s the oldest, boldest, bestest, breastiest, broad this city ever knew. Elaine, we love you – NYC. Fuck you, Michigan.
I;LL DRINK TO THAT !
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